The Dude was having a pretty good Wednesday.
The midterm election returns were still rolling in, and the Republicans were having what the medical profession might describe as a really shitty day. The Democrats had taken back Congress. The red wave had apparently been repossessed, and Walter was enjoying himself in a manner usually reserved for people watching their ex-wife’s new husband get arrested.
It was a fine day for a little schadenfreude.
Then Hakeem Jeffries started talking.
Now, the Dude has nothing against Jeffries. The man has spent years trying to keep a congressional caucus together while the other side treated the Constitution like the terms and conditions on a software installation. And he’s on the verge of becoming Speaker of the House. Good for him.
But there it was. Talk of working together. Finding common ground. Governing for everybody. All the familiar Washington pleasantries.
Jeffries also promised accountability and meaningful checks on the Trump administration, which the Dude was pleased to hear.
Still, something in the conciliatory language made his left eye twitch.
“What’s wrong with working together?” Donny asked.
“Nothing, Donny. Working together is great. I’m all for working together. But maybe before we start hugging everybody, we should find out who stole the fucking silverware.”
Walter looked up from his phone.
“You’re goddamn right.”
The Dude sighed. He knew where this was going.
The First Time the Dude Heard This Song
Back in 2009, Barack Obama inherited a financial system that was doing a remarkably convincing impression of a bowling ball dropped through a plate-glass window.
The banks were collapsing. Credit markets were freezing. Millions of Americans were losing their jobs and homes. The whole thing was a spectacular demonstration of what happens when extremely well-compensated people discover that mathematics is optional.
Obama and his administration moved to stabilize the system, continuing emergency measures begun under Bush. And to be fair, they largely succeeded.
The banks survived.
The bankers, interestingly enough, also survived.
Most of them rather comfortably.
Now, Maude would correctly point out that the Obama administration enacted significant financial reforms, including Dodd-Frank, and that banks eventually paid enormous settlements. She would also remind Walter that catastrophic financial mismanagement is not necessarily a prosecutable crime.
All true.
But for a financial catastrophe that destroyed so much household wealth and upended so many lives, the number of senior banking executives who went to prison was remarkably close to the number of times Walter has admitted being wrong.
The Dude remembers watching all this unfold and thinking that perhaps the country had misunderstood the concept of accountability.
Apparently, the objective was to restore the financial institutions to health, fine the corporations, and allow the people running them to get on with the important business of being wealthy.
Meanwhile, ordinary Americans were told to tighten their belts.
The system was saved. The public’s confidence in it was considerably less fortunate.
And the people who helped create the disaster remained, remarkably, among the people whose advice was considered indispensable for preventing the next one.
“That’s not justice,” Walter said.
“No, Walter. But apparently it’s good for the markets.”
The Second Verse, Same as the First
Fast-forward to January 2021.
A mob had stormed the United States Capitol, attempting to prevent Congress from certifying the presidential election. The outgoing president had spent weeks trying to overturn his defeat, and the country had just witnessed something most Americans had assumed belonged in the history books.
Joe Biden arrived promising to restore the soul of America.
The Dude liked that idea. After four years of Trump, restoring the national soul sounded like a reasonable project. Maybe start with a little decency, some respect for the rule of law, and a president who didn’t treat every morning like an opportunity to pick a fight with a refrigerator.
And Biden wasn’t pretending January 6 was a minor disturbance. He called the attackers insurrectionists and domestic terrorists.
The Justice Department prosecuted hundreds of people involved in the attack. Eventually, it pursued the former president himself.
But eventually turned out to be doing an awful lot of work in that sentence.
Attorney General Merrick Garland appointed Jack Smith in November 2022. The federal indictment concerning Trump’s efforts to overturn the 2020 election arrived in August 2023.
By the time the judicial machinery had finished grinding through the motions, appeals, immunity questions, and delays, Trump had won another election.
The case never reached trial.
Now, criminal investigations are supposed to be independent of presidential wishes. Prosecutors need evidence. Defendants have rights. None of this should be abandoned simply because the accused is a particularly obnoxious individual.
But there is a difference between respecting due process and assuming that time is an unlimited resource.
The Dude watched an administration so concerned with avoiding the appearance of political prosecution that the prosecution never reached a jury.
Whether Garland could have moved materially faster remains a legitimate question. The Dude isn’t privy to the investigative record.
But the outcome is not in dispute.
The clock ran out.
Walter was practically vibrating.
“THEY LET HIM RUN OUT THE CLOCK!”
“Well, Walter, the courts helped. Quite a bit, actually.”
“AM I WRONG?”
The Dude took a drink.
Not entirely, Walter. Not entirely.
Walter Wants Revenge. The Dude Wants a Receipt.
This is where things tend to go sideways.
Whenever someone suggests that powerful people ought to face consequences for abusing their authority, somebody in Washington starts warning about political retribution.
And to be clear, political retribution is a real thing. Trump has made no particular secret of his enthusiasm for punishing enemies and rewarding friends.
But that isn’t what the Dude is asking for.
He doesn’t want congressional committees drawing up enemies lists. He doesn’t want criminal prosecutions dictated by the Speaker’s office. And he certainly doesn’t want the Democrats adopting the attitude that whatever the president can get away with is, by definition, perfectly acceptable.
He wants an accounting.
What happened? Who authorized it? Where did the money go? Which laws were violated? Who benefited? And what can be changed to prevent it from happening again?
If investigators uncover credible evidence of criminal conduct, refer it to the appropriate authorities. Let independent prosecutors do their jobs. Let the courts decide guilt.
And if the misconduct turns out to be perfectly legal?
Well, perhaps that’s a pretty good indication that the law needs some attention.
Take immigration enforcement.
The Dude finds it peculiar that armed federal agents conducting domestic law-enforcement operations can conceal their faces and, in some encounters, make it difficult for the public to identify who they are.
There are legitimate operational and officer-safety considerations. Undercover work is a thing. Threats against officers are real.
Fine. Write narrowly tailored exceptions.
But the general rule should be that agents exercising government authority are identifiable and accountable for their actions.
Congressman Dan Goldman introduced the No Secret Police Act in 2025, requiring immigration enforcement officers to display identification and limiting their use of face coverings.
Goldman subsequently lost his Democratic primary to Brad Lander, a progressive challenger backed by Zohran Mamdani1.
Now, the Dude has nothing against Lander. But it would be a peculiar bit of Democratic housekeeping if the party managed to replace a congressman who proposed an actual solution to an actual problem, only to forget about the solution.
The Dude doesn’t particularly care whose name is on the legislation. He’d just like somebody to pass the damn thing.Imagine that. Congress identifying a problem and proposing an actual law to fix it.
This is not revenge. This is how a functioning constitutional government is supposed to operate.
And the standard should apply regardless of which party controls the White House.
“You’re saying we don’t go after the bastards?” Walter asked.
“I’m saying we investigate what the bastards did, Walter. If they broke the law, they face the law. If the law lets them get away with something outrageous, maybe we fix the law.”
“Sounds like going after the bastards.”
“Only if the bastards have been breaking the rules.”
Donny looked up.
“So if Democrats do it, too?”
“Especially then, Donny.”
Because that’s the difference.
Retribution is what you do to your enemies. Accountability is what you do to everybody.
The Great Washington Multitasking Crisis
Of course, there is another argument making its appearance.
The voters want affordability. They want healthcare. They want housing. They want the government to stop treating the price of groceries like a minor inconvenience that can be overcome through positive thinking.
Absolutely.
The Dude would also like affordable groceries.
He would enjoy a healthcare system that doesn’t require a forensic accountant to explain why an aspirin costs forty dollars.
And while we’re at it, perhaps every twelve-year-old girl in America could have a pony.
But somehow, in Washington, these priorities are presented as though they’re competing for the attention of a single overworked employee.
We can investigate corruption, or we can address affordability.
We can examine abuses of executive power, or we can work on healthcare.
We can protect constitutional rights, or we can do something about housing costs.
Apparently, Congress operates like a one-man plumbing business. Can’t fix your sink until Thursday, ma’am. Still working on the toilet over at the Johnson place.
There are 535 members of Congress. Committees. Subcommittees. Professional staff. Entire buildings full of people whose job descriptions presumably involve something beyond appearing on cable television and asking for campaign donations.
Surely the government of the United States can investigate corruption and address the price of eggs at the same time.
“Who’s paying for the ponies?” Walter demanded.
“Jesus Christ, Walter.”
“Those things eat, Dude. Veterinary bills. Stabling. Liability insurance. You haven’t thought this through.”
Donny was already looking at pictures of Shetland ponies.
So, About That Unity Thing
Now, the Dude is prepared to acknowledge something.
Jeffries hasn’t actually made the mistake yet.
He’s promising investigations. He’s talking about accountability. Congressional Democrats are already discussing serious oversight of the Trump administration, its business entanglements, and its use of federal power.
Perhaps they mean every word.
Perhaps this time will be different.
But the Dude has been wandering around this particular bowling alley for more than six decades, and he’s heard the band warming up before.
He remembers Obama arriving with a mandate for change and discovering that Washington preferred to preserve its financial establishment.
He remembers Biden promising to restore the rule of law and watching the most consequential federal prosecution of his presidency disappear without a trial.
And he remembers all the earnest conversations about turning the page, lowering the temperature, and putting the unpleasantness behind us.
There is nothing inherently wrong with any of those sentiments.
The problem comes when turning the page means nobody has to read what was written on the previous one.
A Democratic Congress can cooperate with Republicans on legislation. It can work with the president when their interests genuinely align. It can pursue affordability and healthcare reforms with every bit of energy those problems deserve.
But cooperation does not require amnesia.
Unity does not require immunity.
And governing for the entire country includes governing for the people whose rights may have been violated by their own government.
The election has given Democrats something they haven’t had for a while: meaningful congressional authority to investigate, expose, and legislate.
They don’t need to weaponize that authority.
They need to use it.
The Dude would be delighted if Jeffries proved his apprehensions misplaced. Nothing would please him more than to discover that the incoming Congress intends to conduct a thorough accounting, enact lasting reforms, and still manage to get some useful legislation passed.
He just knows how this song usually goes.
Everybody gathers around the table. The grown-ups make speeches about reconciliation. Somebody proposes a toast to the healing of the nation.
And nobody thinks to check whether the silverware has been returned.
The Dude looked over at Walter, who was still arguing about the ponies.
“Maybe this time,” he said.
From somewhere in the distance, he could almost hear the fat lady clearing her throat.
The Dude abides.
Man, did the Never Trumpers lose their ever-loving shit over this too…
Remember how we all relaxed when Biden won, because we thought it was over?
Obviously it wasn’t. It’s not over now either.